Tuesday, July 09, 2013

FINDING MY PLACE IN THE WORLD...WHEN EXACTLY?


 Everyone keeps saying that we are created to make something of ourselves while on earth. That is something I'm aiming at doing but today I started wondering if I will ever get there. Today, I experienced a feeling I've always hated and hoped will never come about again. A friend asked me to fill in for him teaching his English class as I've been out of work for months. It was an advanced class; not what I am used to but I figured I would be able to do what I can with them. I was appalled when my question, 'What is a preposition?' got only one reply so I  got out a textbook from the elementary level in order to get them back to the basics. I was not trying to be  insulting; I was only trying to help. But it turned out they were playing me for a fool- they DID know the answer the whole time and my friend told me over the phone how they complained about me using 'BRIGHTER GRAMMAR'; which was way below their level, which cast doubts about me being a suitable teacher. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated beyond measure and my confidence completely shattered.
I have been an on-off and on-again English teacher for several years. It was easier teaching the younger ones; not because of the curriculum but because you would command respect from them. Sometimes I was a bit harsh but never deliberately unkind; I love kids. But secondary school kids- High School- are another thing. Junior Secondary, no problem as well but seniors- they do all they can to frustrate you and make you look like a fool and in the end, you wonder how they see you and if teaching is actually your calling after all. 
The last secondary school job I had, I had to deal with sexual harassment and deal with kids who weren't exactly ready to learn and who told tales of me to my boss, work overload ( I was teaching Civic Education as well, which was not my discipline) which got me into trouble as there were times I couldn't cover a particular topic in a week. Toppled with having to go to the University after work- my life was neither happy nor easy. 
The Pre-school job earned me a very lousy pay and no matter what I did, or tried my best , it turned out I wasn't doing enough and I had to leave to deal with my studies. 
Now today, it hit home- I'm a failure as a teacher; no mistake. But until I get my degree and write another book and finally get some independence; I am yet to find my place in the world. Life's not a bed of roses but I never thought there would be times I would feel so low and useless; wondering about the way forward. Even with my published fables and fan fiction on the Internet- I have no confidence, I keep worrying if I've written anything worth while; if I ever will be worthwhile in people's eyes. I've always tried not to get depressed but with today's incident and going over my past experiences; I just can't help the way I feel right now.And when will I find my place in the world at last?

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