Everyone keeps saying that we are created to make something of ourselves while on earth. That is something I'm aiming at doing but today I started wondering if I will ever get there. Today, I experienced a feeling I've always hated and hoped will never come about again. A friend asked me to fill in for him teaching his English class as I've been out of work for months. It was an advanced class; not what I am used to but I figured I would be able to do what I can with them. I was appalled when my question, 'What is a preposition?' got only one reply so I got out a textbook from the elementary level in order to get them back to the basics. I was not trying to be insulting; I was only trying to help. But it turned out they were playing me for a fool- they DID know the answer the whole time and my friend told me over the phone how they complained about me using 'BRIGHTER GRAMMAR'; which was way below their level, which cast doubts about me being a suitable teacher. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated beyond measure and my confidence completely shattered.
I have been an on-off and on-again English teacher for several years. It was easier teaching the younger ones; not because of the curriculum but because you would command respect from them. Sometimes I was a bit harsh but never deliberately unkind; I love kids. But secondary school kids- High School- are another thing. Junior Secondary, no problem as well but seniors- they do all they can to frustrate you and make you look like a fool and in the end, you wonder how they see you and if teaching is actually your calling after all.
The last secondary school job I had, I had to deal with sexual harassment and deal with kids who weren't exactly ready to learn and who told tales of me to my boss, work overload ( I was teaching Civic Education as well, which was not my discipline) which got me into trouble as there were times I couldn't cover a particular topic in a week. Toppled with having to go to the University after work- my life was neither happy nor easy.
The Pre-school job earned me a very lousy pay and no matter what I did, or tried my best , it turned out I wasn't doing enough and I had to leave to deal with my studies.
Now today, it hit home- I'm a failure as a teacher; no mistake. But until I get my degree and write another book and finally get some independence; I am yet to find my place in the world. Life's not a bed of roses but I never thought there would be times I would feel so low and useless; wondering about the way forward. Even with my published fables and fan fiction on the Internet- I have no confidence, I keep worrying if I've written anything worth while; if I ever will be worthwhile in people's eyes. I've always tried not to get depressed but with today's incident and going over my past experiences; I just can't help the way I feel right now.And when will I find my place in the world at last?
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