WHAT DEFINES A REAL MARRIAGE?

Image courtesy of Justshutter at Freedigitalphotos.net

"Only dogs are to obey. If you love your wife, you'll value her opinion"- Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy) to Semmi (Aresnio Hall) in COMING TO AMERICA.
How many men follow that quote in the real world?

The general consensus is that marriage is a relationship of equals; the husband of course is the head of the household and the wife is his companion, lover, mother of his children and his best friend. The wife has her own role to play of course but it's not to be a doormat. Respect your husband but do not let him walk over you, belittle you and not allow you to voice your opinion.
I feel the best kind of marriage is a marriage of equals. The fact the man is the head of the household doesn't mean the woman won't get to make some decisions in the marriage or in the raising of the children. The best kind of relationship is the one where both spouses make the decisions. They go over the issue in question and reach a real agreement without resentment or second thoughts. In most patriarchal societies, the wife is expected to be the submissive subordinate but surely not every man follows the patriarchal principle, not if he's modern and truly loves his wife. Will a man who really loves his wife prefer her to be a timid mouse who is far too submissive to make her opinions known and just allow him to make ALL the decisions in the house and control her? I think not.
I'm not married yet but when I do, that's the type of marriage I want- a marriage of equals. That's the definition of a real marriage, where the wife is a partner and not the subordinate, guided but NOT controlled. Only tyrants and men who live in the dark ages would prefer to be married to a woman with no will of her own.

THE SINGLE WOMAN'S CHOICE

 The annoying lectures, matchmaking and then when everything fails; they would use the woman's age against her by saying she's not getting any younger and doesn't she want children? And if THAT still doesn't work- there is the 'guilt trap' which was sure to make her do what they want her to do if she's not firm and resistant to their subtle brand of persuasion. 
Shouldn't single daughters in a family be allowed to make her choice about when  she wants to get married instead of being lectured about not getting any older and how great marriage is? It's bad enough she's asked annoying questions about her personal life especially if she has nothing to hide but then telling her they want introduce 'a good friend' to her is just downright annoying and plain interfering in her life. 
A woman should not be told or forced to get married; no matter which society she belongs to. But one of the problems of Nigerian society is that children, especially girls, are still regarded as children and their choices and decisions never respected, there always has to be interference!
 Well meaning I'm sure, but it doesn't mean the single daughters are obligated to do what they are told because the rest of the family want her to 'settle down'. I'm not saying a woman shouldn't marry or being anti- matrimony, all I'm saying is that single women should not be pressured about  it. Besides, suppose the woman in question wants to achieve certain goals and want to lead her own life for a bit  (after being bossed and controlled for most of her life) before she 'settles down'  and has babies? If so, then she has the right to her choice and her life and the right to not be hassled by people who insist on being bothered by her single status. 

CAN YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX?

I came across this sentence on Twitter and it goes like this... the reason why ex-lovers remain friends is either because they’re still in love or they were never in love with each other in the first place. Is there a grain of truth in that?

There are breakups and divorces and if the circumstances are right, an ex wife can remain friends with the ex husband and the ex girlfriend can remain friends with the ex husband. With the ex married couple; they usually remain friends if the divorce was amicable. They could still be love with each other but are simply not compatible enough to live together and there are some couples- married or dating- are better off as friends than lovers anyway and manage to salvage their friendship after the marriage ends, not always though.

 But there are marriages which end badly with a bitter divorce, maybe because of adultery, a flaw on the part of the husband or the wife or  if it was an abusive relationship. If a woman ended things with an abusive, possessive boyfriend, she wouldn’t feel inclined to see him ever again; so friendship is out. With a cheating husband, the woman would most likely tolerate him if there are children involved.

But what about the case  where the breakup isn’t mutual; where the party- especially  the woman- is still in love with the ex? She could feel betrayed if the reason is because another woman and would be bitter about it. But would she be willing or capable of being merely friends with him?

There’s a friend of mine who had several boyfriends but there was a significant one whom she still regards as the love of her life. When she saw him again after they drifted apart, 15 years had gone by and she was devastated to see he was now married with four children. Devastated, because the moment she laid eyes on him, she knew she’d never stopped loving him. But being around him was very hard for her; all she could think about was what could’ve been and wishing it was. He was over friendly towards her but she was the opposite, she was distant; more melancholy than jealous. She was glad he was happy but also knew she couldn't be friends with him, the old feelings were still there and she couldn't pretend nor could she show them. For her, it was all or nothing and there was no way she would welcome an affair if it ever crossed his mind and it wouldn’t because he’s a committed family man. Friendship was out of the question, in her case.

Aside from the exceptional cases; where love but incompatibility was the cause and the decision to break up/divorce was mutual and amicable,   I don’t think women can actually be friends with their ex-husbands or lovers. There’ll always be the stabs of bitterness, the sad moments when they reflect on “what might have been” or resentment for their successors and that is a usual scenario. Based on these reasons, it’s probably best if they simply remain as distant as possible or just learn to tolerate each other if they have no other choice, but not actual friendship.

Single ladies put a ring on it... or not for now

Image courtesy of  Salvatore Vuono at freedigitalphotos.net

Where I come from, a single woman past her 30's is considered old and the general whisper behind her back would be, 'what the hell is she still waiting for?' among family members and insensitive friends and acquaintances. Do they bother finding out the real reason? NO; they stick to making stupid assumptions and go along with it- the thought there might be a reason to the lady's prolonged single status, a reason that lies deep in the bone. One general  assumption of the single woman  who lives alone in Nigeria is that she is a slut, an easy, indecent female- so suffice to say; Independent single women shouldn't exist- it is a must that when they leave their parents' house it is straight to their husbands' house. Independent bachelors on the other hand are more acceptable.
 But lets get back  to the reasons why the average Nigerian woman takes a while to settle down; the real reasons that is.


1. After years of being told what to do and always doing what people expect of her and NEVER what she wants suddenly decides she wants her own life for once; doing what she wants, WHEN she wants; the chance to finally achieve her dreams, hopes and aspirations before settling down.

2. She's been a silent observer of marriages of friends and loved ones crashing (adultery, jealousy, third party interference- 3rd one usually the case) in front of her so she is disillusioned and wants no part of it.

3. She's been once bitten, twice shy by several unhappy relationships and finally decides all men are untrustworthy  pigs.

4. She's been over protected and sheltered as a child. When she finally notices men; she continuously feels a sense of terror when a man shows interest in her. She feels cornered the whole time he's talking to her and inwardly wishes he'll go away. Like the bossed around one, she just wants to depend on herself and sees men as menacing intruders and is scared of getting hurt by them, especially if she hasn't seen him angry before.

Even with those reasons, single women passed their 30's are unfairly judged; they are simply expected to conform with society and their families' expectations... marry, bring forth children. From what I've seen, people of this country don't look at nor care about  emotional feelings; why people are the way they are. Call me embittered but it's true- as I am a single woman myself and the general assumption is that my standards are high; I'm looking for the perfect man- so perfect that I would probably have to build him.  No finding out the real reason- just assumptions!!!

"Stand up for what is right even if you stand alone." -Anonymous